Elegy

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The day you left me, I wept like you had died. It had felt like being on the most wonderful ride of my life, and in the middle of the exhilarating thrill and rush, being cast off without explanation and watching the ride carry on without me. I tried to keep myself together but I was already falling apart. I did not lie when I told you that you meant everything to me. I suddenly found myself alone in the wilderness without my helpful guide, and the first night I could not sleep well, exposed to the brutality of a life without you. I tossed and turned and asked myself a million questions, overanalyzed every interaction we'd ever had and blamed myself for allowing you to stop loving me. 

When I closed my eyes I saw my future with you, I saw the big airy house with the eccentric furniture, the couch we would both sit on while we each worked, making our own art and I saw the children; the two bright wonderful children, the physical manifestations of our devotion to each other. I close my eyes now and see all the mistakes I made, I see you walking away from me, I see me crawling after you. 

I find myself in a sudden state of mourning. I mourn the death of the life I lived with you, the death of who I was. I mourn the loss of a future I will never have with you, the death of every dream and the death of the girl I would have become. 

I must now depart from myself. I must wash away all the traces of you from me; your touch on my skin, whispered words in my ear. I am afraid my shadow still waits by the door of the big airy house with the eccentric furniture, it is looking out for you in hopes that you will turn up, smile at me and come back to me.

Who will I be now that I am not with you? I still don't know. I shall welcome who I become with open arms the same way I would have welcomed you.

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