Breakups Suck.

 

Breakups Suck

I've probably been broken up with about 3 times now. My first real heartbreak was in 2019 when this boy I was insanely besotted with dumped me the day of our one month 'anniversary.' I cried at school the very next day to the point that I looked feeble and sickly and my Geography teacher had to ask me if I was okay. During my O Level exams, English Language to be specific, his name appeared in the exam paper and I literally broke down during the exam, but because success is fueled by pain I got an A* in that subject.

Navigating heartache while I was in school was probably a lot better than trying to heal out of it, because at least I was forced to go to school and focus on studying and be distracted from my pain. Outside of school, as an adult, there's nobody to push you to get up, exercise, drink water and be productive. It's easy to just waste away and let grief totally encompass you. 

During my first heartbreak, it took me months to really get over it, even when I started dating other people, because I just knew that the reason he had given for breaking up with me, was a lie. It took me forever to get over him because I was never given an honest answer, and I kept going back to the relationship, deconstructing it and picking it apart to try to find the real answer for why he did what he did. 

As a society, we need to get better at breaking up with people. I have one other ex, who I rather like a little bit more than the others, who was completely honest with me when we broke up. We had a pretty in depth conversation about why we just were not working out, why we were not compatible and what each of us had done wrong in the relationship. It still took me a bit of time to get over him, but that honesty and transparency made it easier to heal.

These days, even many friendship breakups are quite abrupt, with little to no explanation over why the friendship isn't working anymore. As appealing as it is to "cut someone off", I believe that most of the time, almost everybody is owed honesty, transparency and a conversation. It's become a big thing to abruptly end relationships; communication isn't a thing anymore. 

We owe each other honesty and transparency when we end relationships, regardless of their nature. I dated another guy, who, like the first guy ambushed me with a breakup and gave me a really funny reason for dumping me that I knew off the bat was, excuse my language, a pile of shit. Now I'd dated this guy for a really long time, let's say almost 2 years, and had quite literally loved him mind, body and soul. This was the real deal, I thought. Ten years down the line, we're getting hitched. I say ten years because even if I was in a serious relationship my entire 20s I'd only want to get married in my 30s. The first time I laid eyes on him I felt like I'd been hit by a pile of bricks; we just stared at each other mouths agape while it hit me that shit, this is the love of my life. Bear in mind I didn't believe in Love with a capital L back then.

So anyway, me and Mr. Loverboy, we'll call him Heinrich, were ready to go the distance. We'd done long distance for around 5 weeks, and it was tough but it was worth it because like I said before, he was the real deal. So imagine my utter shock and surprise when on a random Wednesday afternoon he starts to break up with me. I thought, this must be a joke. This must be a misunderstanding of some sort, nothing in the previous conversation had even led up to this. Hadn't he been telling me just yesterday how much he loves me?

The whole thing took about maybe 30 minutes, including the crying, screaming and throwing up. I didn't understand what was going on, and so I thought to myself, here's an idea let me try to call him again, let's have a dialogue about this. That didn't really work out, and Heinrich was quite insistent on carrying on with this feeble excuse for destroying our relationship. I found it really strange that while we were in a relationship we did a great job of conflict resolution, and would extensively discuss whatever issues we were having, but when he was dumping me it was quick. No discussion or debate about it. 

It is depressing, to witness the quickness and efficiency with which someone can erase you from their life; a life you were so intimately involved in. You fell asleep the sound of their voice and watched them make eggs and toast every morning and rarely made decisions without consulting each other. After, you begin to even doubt it yourself, that they were in your life at all. It all starts to feel like a dream you had whose details lie in the distance of your mind, just beyond reach.

I was never able to understand what had happened, what had gone wrong? We were compatible weren't we? Not just in the present but in a long term sense. We had a pretty great relationship. I had never really assumed it would end because I thought if one has a good relationship and enough common sense, it means it will never end. Without honesty, you might never get over it because it will always be unnecessarily romanticized and idealized in your head. It was impossible to wrap my head around this breakup because I worshipped this man, I assumed our relationship was perfect and that the sun shone out of his ass. Without a lengthy conversation, into what you both did wrong, what you both did right, where you might have missed each other and made mistakes, you'll kind of view your relationship as perfect for a long time. You will unhealthily latch onto this person if you can never see why you were not meant to last together.

It might make the grieving and healing process go by much faster if you know exactly why the relationship would have never worked out at the end of the day. Funnily enough, sometimes people are more honest with their friends or relatives about why they broke up with you, than with you the actual recipient of the breakup. And now you are reduced to groveling for answers from them like a beggar. Sometimes you and someone you've known for a long time have outgrown each other, and you need to have a conversation addressing that, thanking each other for everything you've done for each other.

When we form relationships with people we form delicate and intrinsic bonds with them. We tie ourselves to them. We become them. The process of breaking up with someone, of ending a relationship, has to be like slowly and gently unwinding those bonds. You are able to come away from that breakup the same way you entered that relationship, as a whole and individual person. An abrupt and senseless breakup like mine was like having some part of myself that was merged with him severed off. For a while I wanted closure, I didn't (and still don't) understand what was going on. There was nothing wrong with our relationship to my knowledge and so I refused to let go of it. Without closure I could not move on.

I've heard a lot of people say "closure is a myth," and I understand why they say that: Because they have never received it. Closure is real, we have just never been given it. I never received any closure from the end of that relationship. Each day I got up and asked myself the routine round of questions like "Why?" and "How did this even happen to me?" It's more so maddening that that is how that individual chose to end almost 2 years of a good partnership. Without any respect for me, as if we'd had a 3 month fling and didn't share nearly 2 years of him crying into my bosom and knowing each other deeply and intimately. This was someone who knew me; I am actually a very secretive and private person, and don't fully open myself up to people. Because I trusted him to always care for me I let him see the innermost parts of myself. Sadly, he just managed to further re-traumatize me in all the ways I had already been traumatized. The fact that he did so knowledgeably makes it all worse.

I realised that you can always find ways to give some type of closure to yourself. It won't be the same as the real thing, but it can be a small life boat that takes you to the shores of moving on. I for example, just thought, the fact that each day has passed and he has made no attempt to contact me nor alleviate the pain I am in, means there is nothing to pursue with this person. Each day that passes without word from him is a day that he has made a choice to hurt me. If Heinrich could destroy me without a care in the world, and rub salt into my wounds and dance around the grave of our dead relationship then I simply have no business with him. I can at least say that I was secure in my identity, I was faithful, committed and that come rain or shine I would've remained committed to him. I never lied to nor deceived him, and gave my all to make sure this person received the best of me. I can walk away guiltless. 

A few weeks ago I was on Instagram and saw a reel of a couple that lived together going through a breakup. They were spending the last few days together before one of them moved out. They spent most of this time holding each other and crying, and having extensive conversations about why they were breaking up. Even though they were both extremely upset that it had to happen, they knew why they had to go their separate ways. And they were doing this without any animosity for each other because they had extensively spoken about why they could never have worked out long term. 

Without honesty and closure heartbreak is like grieving a person who is still alive. Not only do you grieve the loss of them, the loss of the life you lived and created together, but in a long term relationship, you grieve the future you would have had together. The shared apartment you will never have, the family members you will never meet again, who you had started to see as your family. The stupid wedding you never wanted anyway but started dreaming about. The kids you swore you'd never have but started thinking of having anyway. 

You hold onto these things even if you don't want to, because you don't understand why you should let them go. For example, with my breakup, it was difficult to stop idealizing my relationship because I had never seen anything wrong with it and never saw any signs leading to a breakup. Essentially we both left the relationship but only one of us knows the truth of what really happened. It is easier for Heinrich to move on because he knows why we wouldn't have worked out, but I don't. 

This also goes for friendships. I know someone who abruptly ended a friendship with someone who was also a close friend of their ex's. This was because they didn't want any reminders of their ex and that friend was a big reminder of her. They cut this friend off out of nowhere almost 3 years ago, and only decided to apologise for that and explain themselves 3 months ago. This friend had probably already moved on with their life and it was a surprise to get an apology message. It's a tragedy that closure comes when we don't need it anymore. There's a quote from 'The Ocean At The End of The Lane' by Neill Gaiman that I like. It says "It's too late for sorries, but I appreciate the sentiment." 

I've noticed that 'cut them off' culture is more popular with women. Strangely we tend to have more patience and empathy for men than for our friends. Your friend has started acting a bit weird and you immediately throw them out the door, saying you're big on being surrounded by positive energy, but the man who displays at every opportunity that he hates you gets a million chances to destroy you. More so with women, we need to learn to prize sisterhood. Salvaging a relationship with a sister means so much more than salvaging a relationship with a man. 

It can hurt for someone to sever a connection you had with them out of nowhere. Sometimes a relationship can be salvaged through communication, and even if it can't, at least you went your separate ways with peace.