To Love

He is lying with his head in your lap, and you trace little circles on the skin of his forehead, completely entranced by him. He is saying something, but you aren't paying attention, you are completely lost in your own thoughts of how deeply, utterly, totally in love with him you are.

Your friends are wary of him, they say you have given up too much for him, you have given up yourself. But to you, what is love without sacrifice? When he gives mischievous eyes to the girl at the shop counter you turn away, reading some magazine headline. That is just who he is, he is outgoing, he is a flirt, you wouldn't get it, you spend more time inside your head than out of it, how can you judge what human interactions look like? Besides, he has said it time and time again, when he brushes his warm hand on your hip, when he makes love to you, he loves you and only you. He chose you.

You know you will not, cannot find anyone who will love you like this. Commitment scares him, he has trauma, and so he would rather you didn't put labels on your relationship, he is a free spirit and you understand this, you understand him, who are you to bind him? He is a beautiful bird, one whom you admire, you want him to spread his wings, to soar above you, above this world that doesn't understand him. You do not see him for what he is; a coward, a leech, sucking out your essence, stealing it, claiming it for his own.

You would give him everything: your soul, all your firsts, your life. The day will come when it his turn to give to you as you have given to him, but he will turn away from you crawling at his feet, staring down at you like you are some grotesque thing, unworthy of his help. He will kick you away from him and wounded you will lie there licking your wounds like a dog. He will choose himself, he is a bird that cannot be tied down to the earth, to you, and so he will go.

When he leaves you sobbing silently into your pillow, you love him. You don't want to wail and make a racket, you are afraid to tell your friends truly what he has done to you, they might not understand, they might think he is a bad person. Even when he destroys you your first instinct is motherly; it is to protect him. You package your pain into a small plastic bag, and fold it until it becomes the size of a pill, and swallow it. You know he would never hurt you, this miraculous glimmering angel who you can't believe is in your life. They are just mistakes he makes, mistakes, mistakes, mistakes. 

You have been waiting for this great love all your life, now it is here, you have welcomed it into your home with open arms and you hold onto it. Even when he digs his knife into your back, over and over, everyday, you cling tightly to him. This is love, this is love, this is love.